Something about Nothing

Lately (when I have a free moment to myself) I’ve been letting my mind wonder and I’ve done a lot of thinking; thinking about all the things that have happened in the last nine months in my life - how I feel about the events that have occurred, what caused them, and how to improve or keep things as they are.

I’ve noticed that I’ve changed, not a lot, and for the better. I am not as lazy (not referring to just physical, but more emotional) as I once was - not because Amelia is around, but more along the lines that I feel proud of my accomplishments and I want to take care of everything and ’show them off’ so to speak. For instance: I want to keep the condo as clean as possible (not OCD clean) whereas when I was living in the townhouse with Sean and Aaron, I could care less about the appearance or how clean the place was; my car: previously I kept telling everyone I keep my car in the messy state that it was as my anti-theft - meaning that no one would want to go through my car to see if there is anything of value worth stealing, now a days I can’t stand items left in my car and right now it eats at me (very little) that the car is still slightly messy from the move. Those two examples are just a couple of the major events that have occurred in my life in the last nine months: Buying my first car and Greg and I moving in with each other (and all the shit we went through to find a place). 

Then I begin to think about Amelia. I will admit that it wasn’t ‘love at first sight’ with her and it took me some time to accept her and develop those motherly loving feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I never neglected her or felt any resentment towards her, it was just a huge mental and emotional adjustment for me to have her in my life; especially after all the conversations that Greg and I had when we learned that I was pregnant (they weren’t of the positive sort) including putting Amelia up for adoption once she was born; big emotional adjustment here and probably one of the biggest adjustments I’ve every had to make in my life, thus far.

The second major emotional adjustment was due to Greg and he finallyadmitting his feelings for me. Even today I am still adjusting to the fact that he’s in-love with me and tells me!!! After nearly a year of him denying his feelings for me - I knew he had feelings for me and I tried to get him to admit so but he denied it and finally in February he came out (not in that way). Thinking about that night in February still gives me butterflies. But, there are times that I will remember things that he told me before he admitted his feelings and I will bring it up to him and pick his brain as to why he didn’t tell me certain things when I asked the first time.

One night last week, as Greg and I were lying in bed talking, I asked him how many near death experiences he’s had; he told me about his close to drowning experience and the two carbon monoxide events. My only near death experience was in January 2007 (10 days after Amelia was born) when I began to bleed without known reason (later results showed that a part of the placenta was in the uterine lining and had fallen out) and let me tell you that I have never been so scared in my life as I was on January 22 when out fo the blue the bleeding began. I called my doctors office and they told me to wait an hour and call back if the bleeding didn’t slow down or stop (when I called the doctors office, I was in the shower watching all the blood run out of me as if I was peeing) and then I called my mom, hysterical on the phone, and she thought I dropped Amelia down the steps (as that was a fear of mine at the time) and when I told her what was going on she told me to call Greg. I was too afraid to call Greg; I didn’t want to inconvenience him because in my mind  still ’saw’ ‘us’ as just friends and that he still wanted to put Amelia up for adoption (though he didn’t feel like that, but that’s is how I saw things) and by having him come over it would interrupt his work and he would be missing time which would be loosing money… I know, hormones make a girl crazy… but, I called him anyway and he came right over and saw my condition (which he told me at a later time) which was that I was in obvious shock - I had no color in my skin and that my lips and toe nails and finger nails were blue from lack of oxygen and blood - freaky, huh? Greg arrived just before the ambulance did and within 20 minutes I was on my way to the hospital, again. Later, once I was hooked up to TWO IV’s to make up for the fluid loss, and examined, Greg was joking around with me and said something along the lines of:

Greg: “I hope Aaron doesn’t freak out when he gets home…”

Me: “Why?”

Greg: “Because there was so much blood in the townhouse and outside that it looks like a murder was committed. Plus, your car is still out front and there is no baby or you at home - just the blood all over the place.”

Me: “Mmm… good point. Could be an interesting story later, though. Eh, I’m sure he’ll figure things out and know that I’m fine.”

Mom was on her way up so she could explain what happened.

The following morning I was released from the hospital (I stayed the night and received a blood transfusion) and Greg told me that he was going to take two days off of work to take care of me and Amelia (which is when I introduced Greg to Bravo’s Top Chef and we watched all of Season 2 in one day). During that time, at some point, I asked Greg if he was mad at me for asking him to come over on the 22nd and he was like ‘hell no!’ and said that he would have been mad if I HAD NOT of called him. That confused me to no end but life continued. A little over two weeks later, Greg and I had THE TALK and finally talked about our feelings for each other and thus began our real relationship.

There are a few occasions that I ask Greg a thousand and twelve questions about his feelings for me. I also ask him a lot of questions about his past relationships as well (mainly feelings and such), although I’ve been asking fewer and fewer questions as I’ve slowly accepted the fact that Greg and I are together together (not that I had and thoughts or feelings that he was going to leave me to go back to any of exes) - I guess, in a sense, adjusting to the knowledge of the relationship and feelings that Greg and I have for each other is like having something you’ve been wishing to happen actually come true and you’re in disbelief because who ever has a actual wish come true… it’s not that I am insecure about myself or anything or that Greg is with me only because of Amelia… it’s just that I never, in my wildest dreams, expected Greg and I to actually fall in love with each other and plan our future together. Never.

So, with thinking about Every.Single.Thing. that I have been through these past nine months (the crazy hormonal state I was in in March and what I did as a result; the anger I had in June when I learned that Greg and I were not going to move into that first place; the emotional ‘issues’ Greg and I went through about a certain person; and everything in between) I am feeling pretty damn good right now. My life is actually good and happy. I feel like an adult and that I am handling my life and all the situations that have been thrown at me and I’ve succeeded through them and survived without an ill effects on myself or my outlook.  I feel accomplished; as if I just survived one hell of a hurrican and once the storm was over, I still have a place to call home.

I made it.